Emotionless in the Face of Death

Emotionless in the Face of Death

This summer my family has unfortunately experienced the passing away of several of my relatives. In light of this, I have began to reflect about my current relationships in family and friends.

It’s a very different experience, hearing about death. An awkward phone call. A hesitant approach from both parties. A mutual understanding of the gravity of the situation. There’s no playbook of what’s right or wrong, just feelings. But there’s a feeling in this situation that does not feel right to surface: guilt.

That feeling of, “Damn, I should have spent more time with them.” “I wish I knew them better.”

It makes you realize that each moment is fleeting, broaching an abrupt appreciation for the environment you around now. But I want to go back to feelings that surface in that moment, as I’ve recently found myself in an confused emotional state.

Comparing my parent’s reaction of despair to my indifference in the face of this situation makes me feel less of a son, almost inhuman. For me the event was just a blip in my life, and it makes me wonder, is something wrong with me? If not death, what is important to me?

While I could reflect on my upbringing, and how I walled myself off to protect myself, I prefer to look to the future. I want to change something, to not feel this way again, not to feel guilty in the face of death. And so here’s my plan.

Walking my dog will no longer be an opportunity to up-lift myself with music, but a time for me to call in to my closest friends, show my appreciation and express curiosity in their life. To reconnect before it’s too late.